untitled.

my hands are trembling as i type. i can feel the keys slipping from beneath my fingertips as i attempt to find the words to describe the feelings, the pain i feel inside my brain.

i can smell it. i can taste it. i can see it. i can feel it.

all of it.

the before.

as he tried talking to my guinea pig. as he attempted to make small talk. sat on the end of my bed. with his left ankle and foot crossed over his right knee. looking down at the ground. as i stayed over my guinea pig’s cage. and when i walked slowly over to lean against my bed. and him pulling my left arm up and putting his hands behind my head, underneath my hair, pulling my face to his.

the during.

every thrust. every grunt. every utterance of no. every attempt at pushing his hips away from mine. every scratch of his ugly blue-patterned sweater against my skin. every tear as my head was bashed into the wall behind me. every look at the pink, black-and-white, and colored photos plastered on the wall above me, staring into the souls of my friends, my family as every part of me was ripped from my being.

the after.

putting my clothes back on but knowing something was missing still, no matter how much i layered back on. closing the door behind him, twisting the lock, with the faintness of his voice saying he had fun. getting my towels and going to the bathroom. sitting on the shower floor, with my knees pulled to my chest, crying as i watched blood keep pouring from my body. trying to clean myself of him.

six years have gone by, and i still don’t think i’m clean of him.

so much to the point if he pops into my brain, and i’m in a place where i don’t know how i am even breathing and am questioning every aspect of my life and wondering how the hell i ended up here… i’ll find something that reminds me of him. his presence is never far off.

his twitter is blocked, yet i found a tweet…

haha true, or got penetrated by a black guy…

about taylor swift.

my entire world was shattered by the very insertion of this human being into my life and body. the only place, the only space i felt safe in was immersed in a world unlike my reality, where taylor swift played on repeat and i was watching gossip girl or adventure time and reading john green.

i’ve since dropped the gossip girl and adventure time, and there are only so many john green novels available and only so many times you can read about a boy falling in love with a girl and they both have cancer.

so taylor is the constant. she always has been.

but now that i have this knowledge in the back of my mind that he tweeted and laughed about her being penetrated before he ever knew who i was… it changes a lot.

he ripped everything from me, physically. emotionally. mentally. now he took this too.

every last shred of the safety net i felt seems to have been crushed into sand right in front of me, and there isn’t a damn thing i can do about it.

i turned to taylor’s music every single time i left detective peters’s office, as tears streamed down my face, after being insulted, demeaned, and screamed at during tapped phone calls.

i turned to taylor’s music when my therapist yelled at me for crying, for cutting, for being hospitalized. when my friends sent letters stating it was my fault you violated me.

i turn to taylor’s music every time a reminder of him comes my way.

when taylor invited me to meet her at 1989 secret sessions in nashville, i felt this sense of peace in my life again. one i hadn’t felt in over six months. i felt i was loved. i felt i was heard. i felt like her hugs and her eyes when i spoke to her about 2014 put me back together.

and now, six years later, here you are again, matthew. removing every part of my safety and making me feel lost and alone. to the point i could vomit thinking about how a person could ever think it’s funny to joke about what you said.

my heart hurts as i type this, and i don’t know how to even begin expressing how much pain i felt and feel knowing you said that about the one person who never let me down when you took all i had to give.

i couldn’t sleep last night at the thought of you hurting someone else like you hurt me. i woke up from a fever dream every hour. soaked in sweat. without being able to breathe and without the ability to catch my breath. scared shitless that it was happening again. and again. and again.

i want my life back. you took so much more than my virginity, and i don’t know how i’m supposed to be okay. i don’t know how i’m supposed to accept that this happened and move forward. especially since you barely got a slap on the wrist.

you took so fucking much from me, and now you’re entering into my safe place, and i don’t know what to do.

all i do is sleep. and cry. and sleep. maybe brush my teeth once every few days. we’re lucky and counting blessings if i shower.

every time i feel someone walking behind me too closely and begin to spiral out about how i am going to be harmed, it’s because of you. every time i go back to check my deadbolt on my door before bed, which happens at least 5 times a night, it’s because of you.

i can’t escape the thought i am going to get hurt again. get out of my head. leave me alone, like all the fair-weather friends. no matter how many friendships fall to a crumble, you remain behind me, whispering in my ear

you said you wanted this.