one. – from the head of Sydney

“You are not the opinion of someone who does not know you.”
— ts, not eliot

there were a lot of times over this past year where it would’ve been easier to give up and give in to the demons than it was to fight.

there was a lot of silence.

throughout my entire life, every trial and tribulation has been faced head-on. running away scared was never an option. it just let it fester, get worse, get louder.

i’ve learned by staying silent, nothing changes. nothing gets better. nothing gets worse. it just remains stagnant.

so even though it was easier to let everything happen around me and just let it be, i found the strength to rise up and against.

a year ago, i didn’t know who i was. i didn’t know which way was up, what the point was. everything seemed black and white, dreary and gloomy. & i was left to fight it alone.

when you lose sight of yourself, it’s easy to let the world around you taint your image, your reputation. it feels nearly impossible to remember that you are not the opinion of someone who does not know you.

& what makes it worse, is when rumors spread like wildfires, burning down any peace you found inside yourself. it makes you question everything you have ever known.

am i worthy of love? do i deserve to be where i am right now? are the rumors true? is it easier to throw me to the side than it is to stand beside me? how did i end up here? is this where i am meant to be?

in this last year, there were stones hurled towards me every step of the way. i was met face-to-face with people who did not understand me. they didn’t even attempt to meet me halfway.

i was told it was my fault. i was told i was the problem. i was shown it was easier to leave than it was to stay.

yet, somehow, i found myself. the last year had a perpetual silence. but it gave me a dangerous level of introspection.

i am worthy of love. i have paved my way to be where i am right now, and i am proud of how far i’ve come and how hard i’ve fought to get here. the rumors aren’t true; they’re the opinion of someone who doesn’t matter. it may be easy to throw me away, but the people who stay when it’s hard are worthy of my love, time, energy, and friendship. i got here through hard work and dedication. this is where i am meant to be right now, but that could change.

i am one year clean. does that mean i made it?

no. there have been miles to get here, and there are miles to go. this time, though, it’s for me.